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EternityWednesday, June 24th, 2009
A dedication to the woman I shared the earth-core with - Daniela
Lifetimes ago, when I was younger
and the Sun shone brighter
When I believed the stars were tears
shining just for me...
And when I felt so sad,
I used to turn to angels
luminous beings bathed in light
unfettered by my darkness
I used to let them sing me to sleep
embracing me so tight
I never ran from the pain -
I always sought it out
Clutching it to my heart,
and screaming out its name
the way the angels did for me
They used to tell me that
by doing so
I could make it go away
Not by escaping it
but by becoming it
I used to dream...
I used to see such beautiful things
Whenever the sun fell from the sky
And darkness seeped into the horizon
revealing, with its coming,
the utter vastness of my universe
and the imminent beauty of my soul
I used to die...
Old Art - Untitled 1 and 2Sunday, June 14, 2009
Progressions. Memories.Knowing. Hurting - always hurting.
You walk on air, your footfalls light and feathery
You hold sunlight in your palms
as a dream caresses your heart
and whispers a song on your lips
Given half a chance, you could dance this way forever
Always holding that dream in your heart
Forever clutching the sunlight in your hands
The light and warmth seeping into your soul
Straying down such a glorious road, you could live forever
You could ebb and flow with time
rise and soar beyond the desperate grasp of gravity
And maybe... maybe even learn to love
But everything has an end
Every candle will eventually extinguish -
And whispered lyrics fail to move your lips
in time with the beat
of your heart - now dreamless - even bloodless
your warmth seeps
Water drops turn to tear drops,
even the flowers around you weep
Your keen sight soon turns inward -
darker dreams you did not seek
you remember what it was to live
Old Art - PervertI simply love the way that I hurt
the way that I scream, when I am at my wit's end
I simply adore the manner in which I
Over my losses
and my place in this world -
I know that there is pleasure to be found -
in a creature such as myself not just
knowing its place
but being shown its place.
Old Art - Loveless, UntitledLoveless
Nothing goes just as I planned
Somebody else always takes your hand
And standing there with naught but doubt
I always wonder what I'm without
It's in this silence that I have no voice
And I start to believe I never had a choice
Somewhere within it hurts again
Somehow I managed to fail my friend
I have to wonder if it's all my fault
The way I carry all this pain I've wrought
I always feel like I don't have a home
That terrible thought, forever being alone
Loveless again, it never ends
When I lost myself, I lost my friend
And though my heart may learn to mend
I always fear it won't beat again
So now what's gone can't be replaced
Those pieces will fade without a trace
Hearts will break and souls will ache
The smile I faked was my mistake
And now I'll have to learn to be without
Hand in hand with only my doubt
So in this darkness it begins again
And I'll let you know just how it ends
I may not be quite as alone as I used to think, but I am still so distant from everyone e
Retch-edSometimes, I remember the way my fingers used to
the quiet strain as they clawed at
my eyes, screwed tightly shut
a bizarre mimicry of my own
my mouth opened, wide,
as I tried my best to scream away
my latest attempt to
I-magi-nationSometimes, I'm in awe of my own
Struck-dumb by the enormity of
and the mind that lies within
It would be hard to overstate my
wealth of spirit
measured not in coins & gems but by
Galaxies wheel in my head and heart
My pride must seem ignoble
you would be right
Judge me for my crimes of heart and head -
I already have
We must temper ourselves,
or all is lost
A child dreams of childish things,
of being all that matters
of being the one
Being the only and...
And I was - my own - and I created... my dreams
I built within my heart
and placed upon it
I walked across this heart-felt
and inflicted upon it
And all the dreams that a child could dream
I dreamed upon my world
And for all the dreams I lost and gained
tiny pieces of
always at home
I tried my best
Procession'Morning' is my favorite time
of day - and when I met you
'Coffee' is what we chose
to drink and how we muddle through
'Our day', the one we spent together
and what we count down to
'Perfect' is in the moments
the little moments I share with you
'Love' is in every 'life time'
the length of looks that I cast you
'Forever' can be a promise
and a measure of 'me and you'
'Hope' is that thing I'd lost
and found, again, in you
The Boy Who Wouldnt EatIf you can flutter
I have failed you,
for you were not forged
to be so insubstantial as that
You were writ
to be an epic fable
of endings ignored,
of outlasting your body
through the sheer will
of a writers starving heart
through a broken, bowed
but bravely abiding body
that fights the soul
to comprehend Beauty.
BeautyI'd rather wear flowers in my hair,
forming a delicate chain
Than diamonds around my neck,
covering my tender blue veins
For with every precious petal
and every lucent leaf
I'm a living lesson
teaching beauty can not be bought
But rather it grows and flourishes
with every living thought
Fearing MeI'm not afraid to cry
and I do it
a lot more than you would guess.
It isn't always sadness,
I just feel like I need to,
feel everything so strongly
that it's the only way
to let go for a moment
because if I hold on for too long,
if my grip gets too tight
I'll break myself,
I will break you like glass
and we will both
I am a good guy
who hasn't yet found a way
to show it,
I am a good guy
who still identifies with the villains,
hides everything important
anything to throw you
off of my trail....
and I don't know why,
but I am trying.
Maybe I think
that if you could see me,
the real me,
you wouldn't want to look anymore,
want to be anywhere near me,
and the idea
that I can't add up
to be enough for you,
to be enough for me,
is so fucking heart breaking
I can hardly fathom it.
I can't say that it doesn't hurt
because it does,
it hurts a whole hell of a lot,
I've come to depend on pain,
to befriend misery
Expensive LiesI sit and stare at the toilet bowl.
A guy I know is bulimic.
When we compliment him
I see the twist of agony in his eyes
as his brain reprograms it
to sound like an expensive lie
that costs him another tear
in his tattered dignity.
Friends hurry to him,
to reassure him, to love him.
They tell him how beautiful he is.
We didn't know him before,
but he's definitely not fat now.
We whisper things in concern like;
body dysmorphic disorder.
'I know you'll never believe me
but you are so gorgeous -
not just on the inside.' Not just.
And they're right, I join in,
because they are right to say it
because it happens to be true -
he is stunning. Not just on the outside.
And we want him to see himself
the way we see him, beautiful.
And I join in because
I've felt that strangle of pain
in my stomach, bowels and belly,
when someone used to tell me lies.
So I know how he feels.
Only, he is beautiful on the outside
and I'm not.
He's not seeing reality in the mirror
and I am.
And people rush to correc
you're just a question marki met you so long ago
but back then our bodies were made of metal
and nowadays they’re made of the blades of
grass and dirt settling
underneath my fingernails.
my fingers are having a hard time
reaching the keys and
my organs are shaking mostly because i haven’t
eaten in two days but also
because i’m worried about the things you're doing to yourself.
we didn’t meet very long ago at all but it feels like forever ago
and you say you don’t know me
that you don’t know anyone
but baby you're turning into a skeleton and i’m peeling back my skin
to try and reach my bones, just like you.
i hope you're happy,
i’m covering the hard wood floors now
the bits and pieces splattered.
they are calling it a suicide but i’m calling it
a way to see my brain and
just how dark it has become, and honestly
i don’t want you to try and see about your’s.
i’m mourning the loss of my heart and wish you weren’t either -
Sound PoemIthrumden, ithrumden delsum
nith mul thruss elmrissull.
Eth rut mundelliss
Curmiette dessel renrin
irme trell ithrumden.
as love for summer fades.late morning-
there's the tease of
snow in the clouds,
in the air, and the trees
have finally lost their
the sunlight is damp.
alters the room
as it graces my skin,
and for once
i don't wake up right away.
instead i lay
between my memory bitten
sheets, and i think
about all the times he said
that he hated winter.
i don't remember
when i began to love it,
and i don't care.
nothing can shatter that.
The partyFlashing lights
Smoke all around
About to pass out
My head starts to hurt
I can't take this anymore
So without saying anything
I find the exit
And escape that place
"How can someone have fun in there?"
obligation steam machineas always
grinding the cankerous
of your cognition
until the lack of compassion
leaves you unlubricated
seized frozen bound stuck
only then the machine of
your fears will burst to steam
squealing to suckle
at the genius of my
the unsung soiled hero
of middle-class ferocity
savior of the undeserving
winding slowly deftly dying
martyr to the self-justified cause
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