This falls flat - it wasn't what I intended to write, what I had envisioned when the initial inspiration hit me, but it was the end result and I need sleep. I think one of the reasons it falls flat, perhaps the principle reason, is how loaded it is and how much it reaches - this is, of course, not something anyone else will be able to appreciate but it struck me on reflection.
It touches on some deeply serious things for me with its simple language and just keep reaching for these far-flung, personal references that mean everything to me and nothing to absolutely anyone else. The brief mention of images & ideas from my childhood - that's a vague-yet-specific reference to the place where I think I started to develop a lot of important ideas not just creatively and expressively but as a human being, a decent person - in books. I was always a little puzzled at how I turned out the way I did when I was never really given much in the way of guidance by my parents or siblings - and certainly not my peers - and I think the only reasonable assertion, aside from nature, is nurturing at the hands of books - particularly in the realm of fantasy and science fiction. I would read these stories - these beautiful and horrible stories - and I would take it in, identify and build upon it. Principles, morality, empathy... love.
And that is what this is really about - references aside - it's about love and this creeping suspicion of mine that I really don't know what it is, personally, as I have extremely limited references in my life, none of which I think even begin to qualify as 'real' and that's where the reality clashes with the fantasy, the dreaming. I read all these books, I watched all these movies, I developed idealistic and romantic ideals about love and nothing has yet delivered and it is this ideal, this idea, that stays inside of me and keeps my heart beating while reality continues to fail it and abuse it.
I'm 28 and I may know nothing real of love. I may have no idea. All things considered, my past particularly, I really had to admit the possibility... and I really hate.
And it costs me in so many little ways and a lot of big ways, every day, and I'm starting to feel it... wearing me. I think I'm slipping.