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Insensate by DogmaticKerr
Insensate
In growing, what am I losing? Am I growing at all or simply
slipping away?

I already know the answer, but it's not so much the question as the exercise in asking and knowing. I talk to myself a lot - I'd say it's because there's no one else, but that's not entirely true, I think it's mostly because

no one else would know.
But I know.
Already,
I know.
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The Empty Chest The Beating Heart

Foreword:
So, first and foremost, this... piece... is a comment to and directly inspired by Miss Rebecca's ( TheEmptyChest ) poem 

When they say something's wrong with youI’m going to be shamelessly honest
and say the more I see of life
the less I think it’s worth living,
because let’s face it,
it doesn’t truly get better
it just changes;
suffering and loss
are hurdles on a never-ending
obstacle course
that you’re expected to run
for the rest of your life.
And God help you
if you don’t want to run it
because that means something's wrong with you.
That means you’re crazy.
I’m going to be fearless
and say something that no one wants
to hear, or is likely to believe:
the “right to life” is a myth,
because to have a right
is to have a choice
and life is an obligation.
To want to end it
means you need “help”—
either in the form of a crucified savior
or an expert with a Ph.D. and an eagerness
to label you.
All it really means is that you
don’t want to run that damn obstacle course,
and you shouldn’t have to
because you were never given a choice
from the beginning,
, it's an older piece of her's but it's wonderful and it touches upon a darker, messier subject than most are used to, one that people definitely don't consider enough without resorting to knee-jerk reactions and overly-emotional responses. I had a lot to say - and a particular way to say it - because of my own thoughts, feelings and experiences with the subject. Clearly I have, personally, come down on a somewhat different side of the perspective than Rebecca herself but I definitely do not necessarily disagree with her and it's for a simple reason - my reasons are my own and sometimes they're just not enough. That's the point. We all end up in different places for different reasons, with different reasons and to immediately disagree with that is dismissive and ultimately wrong. Things have context, people have considerations and everyone's just different enough to be confusing as hell. I know why I'm here, do you?

Afterthoughts:
Sometimes the stupidest things keep us going and, sometimes, the stupidest things stop us dead.
Once, when I was younger, the only thing I actually looked forward to in my life was the release of a movie - it wasn't my 'reason for living' by any stretch of the notion, but it was definitely a consideration when I was sitting there on the floor of my room, wondering how much blood there would be if I put my ornamental sword through my stomach. What stopped me the most, there, was the idea of some innocent family member having to discover me and, more horribly, maybe clean up the mess. I was never enough of an asshole to put anyone through that and, to this day, that's one of the little things I tell myself whenever I consider suicide. What poor bastard deserves to clean up this mess? The answer is obvious - no one.
Another time I looked forward to the release of some books - my shining lights in an otherwise miserable existence. Harry Potter, books 6 & 7. It's the little things, you know?
Sometimes, a girl will smile at me and I won't understand why - I couldn't tell you if it was a reflex or a genuine smile meant for me but the not-knowing is as important as the gesture, sometimes, because it gives me something else to figure out, another little reason to wonder, a bit longer and stick around. I'm not suicidal, but I'd be a goddamn liar if I said it didn't whisper in my ear from time to time and I'm definitely not a goddamn liar - what I am is appreciative of the little things.
I remember reading about how when safety nets were installed on a bridge that was a popular spot for suicidal people that those the nets saved often expressed how their immediate reaction to jumping was regret - what a horrible mistake they just made, jumping off that bridge. I've always thought that hindsight is often useless - how about a little foresight for once? Just another little reason to keep my feet mostly on-the-ground.
I think it's healthy to be able to admit the possibilities even though it may also be a bit maddening - I am fully aware that I do not know what tomorrow will bring and that five, ten, twenty, thirty years from now I may have found the love that I desire but I am also quite aware that plenty of stories do not have happy endings. There are people out there who never found what they were looking for (be it love or something else) and ended up living and dying alone. It happens. And it's nothing unique, either - it has happened for the last hundreds or thousands of years and it will continue to happen for the next few hundred or few thousand years (so long as people exist) to all kinds of people. I am not above admitting that I could be a simple statistic and that the hope that drives me could be as empty as the life it perpetuates - talk about cyclic redundancy.
Then again, I'm weird - I accept all sorts of things without necessarily letting them impact my self-perception negatively. I think I am ugly but I also think of it is just another character trait, as inextricable from my being as being tallish, brown and intelligent. I could no more change that fact about myself than I could actually change my hair color (I think the notion of dying my hair is fittingly metaphoric for otherwise believing that I am something I am not) or my eye color. It took a long time to accept it is a neutral character trait, but I did and in doing so I found a measure of peace about something that tears most people apart. I think that accepting the truth or accepting reality can be peaceful like that, even if it comes down to having to accept something bad - such as a horrendous lack-of-luck with women or being treated decently in general.

I've got a choice and I'm trying, every day, to choose grace.

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A.Wake by DogmaticKerr
A.Wake
Always reaching, but what else can you do? You're either reaching for someone or something or you're digging your own grave. I've never quite managed to lose the hope of the act of reaching, no matter how hard I've been put down and how often it is demonstrated to me that I, and my efforts, are as pointless as we are misplaced. But I'm not digging my own grave. I think I'd rather burn and be scattered.
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A. Rose of May by DogmaticKerr
A. Rose of May
The last of the three I wrote for/because of Anastasia - you may notice a theme. I can't say that I necessarily agree with the lessons being ground into my heart by women like Anastasia but I am honest and reasonable enough to admit that there is a definite pattern and a definite tendency among the people I've come to know and love and whom, more importantly, have come to know and love me. Ever am I left and left with questions as to why I am the easiest thing to leave, for someone supposedly good and wonderful I am treated like something else entirely, something horrible and undeserving. I can recognize these things and they just make me wonder what I really am and what I really deserve...

Is this it?
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A. (Paper) Rose by DogmaticKerr
A. (Paper) Rose
I'm always losing things, losing people, losing... hope. It's something of a mystery to me why, in all of these endless revolutions, that every slow turn brings me back to where I was. Cycles I get, systems I understand, ebbs and flows are as natural as they are expected - but why can I not progress? Ever turn could take me further, higher, deeper but instead I end up... back. Stasis, perpetually.

I only hesitated in posting this because I originally intended to present the poem, written in my own hand and framed, to the one it is about - or for. Things didn't work out, of course, and all of the lessons were reiterations, reminders of how far I have not come from my youth. Slow turns, small moves, maybe I'll get somewhere some day.

Maybe someone will love me.
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Tagged by a Ghost

Journal Entry: Sun May 3, 2015, 9:05 AM
Because people don't make love to Angels...
They merely use them to feel more complete.


1. First thing you wash in the shower? My hair/face! I think it is always my hair first.

2. What colour is your favourite hoodie? I do not wear hoodies - never have and I doubt I ever will.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed, again? Most definitely.

4. Do you plan outfits? I put so little thought and effort into it that, compared to people whom do regularly or seriously I'd have to say that I do not.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Okay - I'm alive - and making progress in accepting my lonely situation... so yeah, okay.

6. What's the closest thing to you that's red? Oooh, I seem to be equidistant from a mug with a red background and a girl in red underwear and several mini-speakers with red LEDs.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? I've been having trouble remembering dreams as of late - I only have vague flashes and the like now. I've mostly dreamed of two ladies of late so I'd have to say their faces stick out the most.

8. Did you meet anybody new today? I nearly always do, working the job I work - and the change in seasons is bringing in the usual load-of-tourists and transients but this is mostly the non-committal, deeply informal and rather ambivalent sort of 'meeting' between people (customer and cashier). But I actually officially met and exchanged names with two customers in the last week I believe.

9. What are you craving right now? A person. If that's not what you meant, then.... nothing really. I already ate and am about to have some coffee. But pastries are always nice.

10. Do you floss? Not one-thousandth as much as I should but yes, occasionally.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Spring rolls/egg rolls. This Chinese/American restaurant always puts a bunch of cabbage leaves around them when you order out from them. So lovely.

12. Are you emotional? Extremely, but I am also quite logical, controlled and rational but I've never let one preclude the other. Whether or not I let my emotion show or let it show to what degree depends on the situation and appropriateness - whether or not I give in to tears depends on whom I am around, if anyone at all, and what I may say or express and to what degree depends on whom I am expressing myself to, why I am and what our actual relationship is. Temperance! 

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? One-at-a-time? I doubt it though maybe when I was a kid... I did some odd things, sometimes.

14. Do you bite into your ice-cream or just lick it? I eat it - so both, but mostly biting.

15. Do you like your hair? Yeah, depending on the length. If it is too short or too long, I'm at odds.

16. Do you like yourself? Well enough, yes - I recognize my strengths, weaknesses, oddities, deep faults and difficulties and I have to say that, for the most part, I am proud and content. The only time I do not like myself is when I regard myself from the perspective of others - I cannot, for the life of me, make friends or find a girlfriend. Short answer - yes.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? No, hell no.

18. What are you listening to right now? My dad talking on the phone in the living room and my CPU fan. I had music on earlier - Answers from Final Fantasy XIV.

19. Are your parents strict? Yes, mostly.

20. Would you go sky diving? Most definitely.

21. Do you like cottage cheese? I do not dislike it and am definitely not against it, but I generally do not seek it, as enjoyable as it is. It has a time and place that I rarely find myself in.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? Nope.

23. Do you rent movies often? Not really, no, but I do rent from time-to-time and almost exclusively off of Amazon - I rent when I am mostly-sure that I will not like or love the movie I am perusing. Otherwise I just buy it.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? There must be. Not really... maybe that ribbon on the birthday present counts? When you really think about what 'sparkly' is, you realize just how many things are most definitely not.

25. How many countries have you visited? None other than the States, sadly. I may have been conceived overseas, though! I think that would have been Germany...

26. Have you ever made a prank call? Nope, I was a well-behaved kid and I am a better-behaved adult.

27. Have you ever been on a train? Sadly, no. Maybe my parents could correct me though - they have all kinds of knowledge and memories of the past I couldn't begin to imagine.

28. Brown or white eggs? Is there a taste-difference? I'm no egg connoisseur but I've mostly been exposed to white eggs.

29. Do you have a cell phone? Yep. An older slide-phone, but it serves me well especially since I barely ever call or text.

30. Do you use chapstick? Yes, I live in a desert.

31. Do you own a gun? No, I don't really want to either... unless it is a p90. I'd own that gun with pleasure.

32. Can you use chop sticks? Not well, but I've also barely been exposed to them.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? Who? I'm going to take a wild guess and say "absolutely no one" unfortunately - unless Anastasia gets her head out of her ass... which is very unlikely. Very. Very-very. Even then... nope, no one.

34. Are you too forgiving? I wouldn't say so - I'm pretty rational but also realistic and appreciative and recognizing of circumstances and what constitutes a reason over an excuse. I hold people responsible for things when and if it matters.

35. Ever been in love? Oh, yes, most definitely.

36. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? Locally I have no best friends - I've only got two friends and they're both remote, now, and strictly online - I'd imagine John is either going to work or game his ass off and Derrick is definitely going to work and maybe game a little bit of his ass of. Maybe.

37. Ever had cream puffs? I think I have. Yes, wait, yes I have. Lovely things. Things with cream are delightful.

38. Last time you cried? Last night before work and maaaaybe at work. Maybe. No, maybe not, as much as I have been feeling lately and while I did cry at work yesterday, last night was much too busy. If I did I don't remember. If we're talking about degrees of crying, I last cried 'hard' a few days ago and before that... hmm, January 03 and before that a year and change ago.

39. What was the last question you asked? Oh god, something work-related, I'm sure. I ask a thousand questions in any shift.

40. Favourite time of the year? Autumn and Winter! Dead heat between the two - HA! See what I did there?

41. Do you have any tattoos? Nope and I probably never will. A few choice phrases come to mind if I ever did, though.

42. Are you sarcastic? Sometimes but not terribly - it's certainly not a go-to mindset or a reflex for me like so many others.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? Yeppers.

44. Ever walked into a wall? Er, it's been an extremely long time since I've done that and the only for-sure instance that comes to mind is walking in a pole when going to school in Hawaii. A big, blue pole.

45. Favourite colour? Blue, ironically. Or grey.

46. Have you ever slapped someone? I'm sure I have, but I can't remember. I kind of doubt I've ever slapped someone seriously, though.

47. Is your hair curly? Nope.

48. What was the last CD you bought? The last CD I bought was for someone else - three of Hammock's albums from Amazon for a friend's birthday. The last CD I bought for myself was... there was Raindancer by Erutan for a physical CD and then a digital album purchase for Final Symphony from iTunes.

49. Do looks matter? Of course they do - they do to everyone in some degree. Some place too much emphasis or all the emphasis on looks and some place varying degrees of 'very little' but in the end, we're all attracted to physical attributes no matter what else we may say. I can say I find a lot of things pleasing to the eye and beauty is not so hard to find at all.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? I can imagine situations in which one could - hypotheticals where you either forgive your mate for cheating or forgive someone close for cheating on another, but I have a hard time imagining it ever happening to me, personally. It's not too hard to make allowances for that kind of unfaithfulness as a relationship takes two people (at least) and if you drive your significant other away in one or more ways, you may be courting sexual or romantic indiscretion. Clearly, though, you would never want to forgive someone whom cheated on you or someone else just for the sake of sex - no mental/emotional/romantic/sexual circumstances to excuse or illuminate their actions... just a desire they refuse to control.

51. What are you listening to now? The washer and dryer are working their magic. Another lull in music - last song I listened to was "Frailty" by Hammock.

52. Do you like your life right now? No, not for the most part.

53. Do you sleep with the tv on? Nope, I really don't care to do that.

54. Can you handle the truth? Always - I seek it out, but this has been a point of contention between myself and most every other people I've ever interacted with. I don't have the privilege of handling the truth, most of the time.

55. Do you have good vision? No, my eyes are terrible. So bad.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than three people? Nope, I don't really hate or dislike people on personal levels and why people choose to devote so much time, attention and effort to such negativity is beyond me. Circumstantial and incidental hatred and anger are great though = some people are such fucking asshats.

57. How often do you talk on the phone? Very, very, very rarely. I own a phone and I like my phone, but my phone barely sees good or consistent use. Such a pity.

58. The last person you held hands with? Anastasia, for sure.

59. What are you wearing? Clothes. Jeans, boxers, a polo shirt. Socks. No shoes, yet. They're coming.

60. What is your favourite animal? Cats! Of course I thought of a pet, first.

61. Where was your favourite picture taken? No such thing exists. I'm not photogenic and I appreciate this fact and I'm also not one for keeping memories in that fashion - mostly because I have never had a reason to and never had an external source introduce it to me.

62. Can you hula hoop? Ja.

63. Do you have a job? But of course. It can be so terrible, but I do.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? Hmmm. Two bottles of .9 L Vitamin Water for myself.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window? I'm sure most of us have at some point, I sure have. But only for the sake of goodness and entry, of course.



There is beauty in the world
If you seek it out
There is joyous wonder in the world
Let's seek it out
www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWGVRx…


Metal Gear Solid: G. Sviridov & Tappi Iwase, Rika Muranaka ~Aoife Ni Fhearraigh
The Best is Yet to Come ~Gaelic</u>

Do you remember love
The heartbreak of love?
Nothing now but music of the night
I am forever in love

A lover with a fault
A lover with a fault

Allow it and you will have it
Allow it and love will be

Do you remember the time
When you were satisfied?
Do you remember the time
When you were laughing?

The world is wonderful
if you believe in it
Turn your face towards life
and constant happiness in our midst

What happened to those days?
What happened to those nights?
Do you remember the time
When you were sorrowful?

Do you remember the time
Forever crying tears?
Was it me or you at fault?

Feeling used and lost
Why the fighting and
crying of tears?

There is beauty in the world
If you seek it out
There is joyous wonder in the world
Let's seek it out
  • Mood: Adoration
  • Listening to: Angels
  • Reading: Minds
  • Watching: Dreams
  • Playing: Complexities
  • Eating: Thought
  • Drinking: Wisdom

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DogmaticKerr
Charles Kerr
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
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:iconthewarmzombie:
TheWarmZombie Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the fav :) 
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:iconmikanchan:
Mikanchan Featured By Owner 3 days ago
Thanks for the fav! If you like Cosplay I post regulary about it in my Facebook page (and also photos of my modelling). Posts come in English and Spanish :Dwww.facebook.com/mikanchancosp…
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tatehemlock Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Professional Photographer
Thank you so much for the faves!
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BreeBitch Featured By Owner 4 days ago
Thanks for the fave my friend!!! <3 <3 have a kick ass day! 
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madlynx Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015   Photographer

:icongrin--plz::iconfaveplz:The Body Rock two by madlynx

 GLAD you LIKE It!

Have a Great Day    :peace:&:love::sun:  8-)                       

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ZuzuTurkova Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much for the fav! :)
MARSHALL BABE by ZuzuTurkova
If you want, please follow me on INSTA: instagram.com/zuzuturkova/
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valannaria Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2015
Thx for the :+fav: :heart:
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rollarius55 Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
TY so much for supporting Escape from the unbearable by rollarius55
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oldschoolowyradeg Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Hi! Thank You for favs on my photos ; ) fav.me/d910lie
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valannaria Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2015
Thx for the :+:fav: :heart:
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Darthsandr Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for faves! :) ;)
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Queen-Kitty Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2015   Photographer
Thank you for the favorites!  I'm really glad you enjoyed my photography!
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LethalKitten Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2015
Thanks for the fav~
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Mheely Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fav!

www.facebook.com/pages/Mheely/…

If you like my art, please help me support my facebook page!

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Means a lot to me!

-Mheely
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mic-ardant Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2015
Thanks my friend for the Favs.
mic
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Bast-Fury Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2015   Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for the :+fav: of Reverse of reverse  :sun:
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marystk Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2015
thanks for the :+fav:
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AnaisMushroom Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for the fav !

Join me on facebook ;www.facebook.com/AnaisMushroom… (if you want)

I have more pics!

XOXO
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Bast-Fury Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2015   Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for the :+fav: of Lost desert
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SylwiaPakulska Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2015
Thx by SylwiaPakulska  
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Bast-Fury Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2015   Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for the +fav of  Don't make a girl a promise you can't keep update :sun: 
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pearwood Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for helping keep TheEmptyChest safe and sound.  Ms RM is a gem, no?
Steve
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:icontheemptychest:
TheEmptyChest Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2015
I could've sworn I was already watching you... Crap, now I feel stupid. :bucktooth:

Anyway, remedied. Also, THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH FOR THE PREMIUM!!! :glomp: :heart:
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madlynx Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2015   Photographer

   :iconmadlynx: :iconfaveplz:Living river. by madlynx

GLAD you LIKE It!

Have a Great Day and Week Charles  :peace:&:love::sun:  8-)       

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Bast-Fury Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2015   Traditional Artist
THANK YOU FOR ALL THE FAVS 
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